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If the wife has a shocked but bemused smile, the husband continues to talk dirty to her, using language of his own choosing and letting the wife’s response be his cue. He should experiment with different words and note which ones arouse her the most. For instance, he might say, “You really like my filthy cock inside your dirty little slit, don’t you? Admit it.” And if she nods emphatically and kisses him passionately, he should repeat that phrase several times, and then try others, developing a whole repertoire. The wife may then also begin trying some choice phrases.
If the wife becomes truly upset, however, the husband should discontinue the game and ask her to participate actively, explaining the benefits of this kind of game—how it is designed to appeal to her unconscious fantasies and be therapeutic. If she does not agree to play the game on the first occasion, the husband should keep trying.
*103/196/1*
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Players: Husband and wife. Activists: Both. Setting: Bed.
Aim: Activate unconscious feelings of competition or resentment and direct them into a constructive channel.
Game Plan: Sometimes depression is involved with both feelings of oppression and an inhibition of self-assertion and competition. We learn as children that it is not all right to assert ourselves toward or compete with our brothers, sisters, or parents, for we will then meet with disapproval, condemnation, and the like. Hence the habit of allowing ourselves to be oppressed gets started.
In this game, a couple is asked to turn sex into a competitive sport (which at first seems opposed to everything that sex represents—i.e., the saying that was prevalent during the 1960s, “Make love, not war”). However, in this instance the competition, combined with eroticism, is being utilized to get at a particular kind of block related to a deep-seated fear of assertion.
*78/196/1*
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“Darling, let’s make love,” the spouse proposes.
“Not tonight—I’m not in the mood,” the dummy replies.
“You’re never in the mood,” the spouse shoots back.
The dummy is silent.
“Talk to me.”
The dummy looks at the spouse but remains silent. “Talk to me.”
The dummy shakes its head.
“Don’t shake your head at me!”
The dummy yawns, holding a hand over its mouth.
“I hate you when you act like this!”
The dummy simulates rolling back its eyes.
“I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!” screams the spouse, who begins kicking and hitting and biting and scratching the dummy. The dummy lies back passively. “You make me feel like a monster sometimes. You make me feel like hitting you and hurting you until you do something!”
When the spouse lies exhaustedly crying, dummy says, “It makes me feel so superior and good to see that you’re a monster and I’m not. It makes me feel so good to know I’m completely innocent and have no hatred inside me whatsoever, while you are full of hate. But I will love you anyway, despite your faults, and just try to be patient until you see the light.”
*53/196/1*
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The game can then be repeated and varied—or, a couple may simply begin having more sex without the game. And more sex will at least temporarily bring about a stronger bond that will enable the couple to begin communicating about things they have long kept pent up. “All you do is talk about the stock market,” she may say, “and that makes me feel angry and rejected.” He may reply, “I wish you’d take more of an interest in my work and stop being so demanding.” At the very least, a dialogue is started—and, once this dialogue has begun, the couple is ready for chapter 14, “Games to Restore Tenderness.”
Warning: Soon after the flame of intimacy is rekindled, there is a tendency to retreat to the original defensive postures—and both partners must be wary of that. It will be an ongoing struggle against giving in to this resistance, one that may last for weeks, months, even years. Defensive postures are just another kind of addiction—but, like all other addictions, they are hard to break. It takes a valiant effort to do so.
*28/196/1*
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This patient’s experience is typical of those of many on today’s dating scene. Yet, just a few decades ago it would have been atypical. In former times, our society had a much different attitude toward dating, sex, and marriage. Indeed, prior to the early 1960s, popular magazines still debated about whether it was all right for people to have sex before marriage—and, in most of the societies of the world, premarital sex is still forbidden. In such societies there are clearly delineated rules to follow with regard to dating, sex, and marriage. You may agree or disagree with the rules, but you are not confused about your role, sexuality, or identity as they relate to those rules. Similarly, in former times, sexuality was less complicated: There were neither sex therapists to tell us about our various sexual disorders, nor social workers to remind us of the various kinds of sexual abuse. Sex just happened—and it was either good, or not so good. In former times there was no AIDS.
*2/196/1*