You are likely to feel awkward, wanting to be helpful but not knowing what will help. It is a rare person who isn’t nervous about expressing condolences, who doesn’t hate confronting a new widow or widower. Most of us recoil at dealing with strong emotions. Even if we feel that speaking about what has happened is best, it is hard to see crying without taking action to gloss over the hurt. Yet words are so inadequate. The knee-jerk response is to resort to platitudes that sound silly even as they tumble from our mouths: ‘ ‘Think how lucky you were to have those wonderful fifty years.” “Time heals everything.” Experts advise that often the best thing to do is say “I’m sorry” and then listen – to give the widowed person a chance to talk. Your goal is not to make things better; nothing you say really can. Respect the person’s need to open up, but do not force the issue. Respect his or her dignity too.

Keeping occupied has saved my life during these six months. My friends and family have rallied around and are careful not to let me spend a long time by myself. By “being kept busy” I do not mean running away from thoughts of Stanley and the beautiful life we had. Almost every day my daughter Jane calls and we cry together: “Poor Daddy. Why did he have to suffer sol” Hike being with friends who knew and loved us as a couple. We can share memories, and I’m not ashamed to cry. On the other hand, I hate being forced to emote when I don’t want to. This happens most often with acquaintances who think they are being helpful by probing my inner state. The other day I was humiliated to find myself breaking down at the dentist’s. He had asked the question I think widows must hate most: “What a terrible tragedy! How are you getting along?”

Widows and widowers are touchy. Even when you try your hardest to be sensitive, you may feel you are putting your foot in your mouth. But it doesn’t matter. Develop a thick skin and hang in there. Even if you are rebuffed at times, what is important is that you continue to be there. We tend to remember the people who stick by us in adversity. Now is your chance to become – or ensure that you stay – treasured in the life of someone you care about.

Although advising the widowed person on practical matters that you have special knowledge about (such as the burial or taxes) may be helpful, avoid advising on matters of opinion: “You should be going out more.” “Why don’t you sell your house?” Try to restrain yourself when the impulse strikes to intervene in this way. Remember, it is understanding – not advice – that people need most. When you feel like making a suggestion, decide to ask this question instead: ‘ ‘What can I do to help?”

You may need to extend your mental timetable for how long things should take. Do not expect ^someone to have “recovered” after a few months. On the other hand, if more than a year has gone by and absolutely nothing has changed, then step in. You have a responsibility, to put it delicately, to tell your relative or friend that something is wrong: “People are usually not this distraught for this long. Perhaps you might want to think about getting professional help.”

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GENERAL HEALTH